OPENING UP | MY INSECURTIES

Hey loves! Today’s post is about something that I’ve struggled with most of my life; my insecurities. An insecurity  is an uncertainty or anxiety about oneself and/or lack of confidence. Throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school, I’ve always doubted myself and my abilities. This year is the year where I focus on loving myself and building up my confidence. In this post, I mention three aspects of myself that I’ve  struggled with throughout my life. Two of them deal with physical features, and the last one is more internal. It’s kind of scary publishing this to the internet, where everyone can see it, but I’m doing this to push another obstacle in my life behind me. I don’t want to be tied down by my insecurities. I don’t want them to define who I am or inhibit me from knowing who I am. Anyways, enough with this long intro., I hope you guys enjoy.

My forehead

My forehead is one of those insecurities that developed at a young age. I believe people started pointing out how big it was when I was in elementary school, but it got worst in middle school. People would call me names and say that they could play a game of tic tac toe on my forehead. I began to feel that when people would look at me, all they would see was my forehead. I stopped drumming my hair back into buns and ponytails because they brought too much attention to my forehead. I started wearing headbands everyday to hide some of my forehead. Forehead, forehead, forehead. It was as if my life revolved around it. And it did. It wasn’t until recently that I stopped caring so much about it. I started wearing my ponytails and buns again with confidence. I walked down the hallways with my head held high rather than hanging low. I accepted a part of me that I cannot change, and I cannot begin to tell you how alleviating it feels. Yeah, my forehead is pretty large, but I’ve learned to embrace it because it’s a part of me.

ACCEPT YOUR FLAWS.

My body

The struggle with learning to love my body is a struggle that I still face to this day. I don’t have a big butt, or big boobs, or whatever body part society glorifies. I’m skinny and I don’t like it. I’ve never liked it. I remember back in fifth grade, my class and I were playing outside on the playground when a girl commented on how skinny my arms were. She said they looked like sticks. Being the sensitive person that I am, I took that comment to heart. From that day forward, I wore a jacket and refused to take it off because I was afraid someone else would call my arms out. Well, one day during P.E., I was running around and was getting super hot, but refused to take my jacket off. After P.E. class ended, it was lunch, and I was sweating and feeling a little woozy. I remember that I slowly slid to the floor before I got up and threw up in front of the entire cafeteria. After I emptied my stomach, I was rolled out in a wheelchair. It only took this embarrassing moment to realize how dumb I was being. I was letting one girl’s comment affect not only how I dressed, but more importantly, my health. Who cared what she thought? I did at the time. This is not the only incident where I let people’s comments on my body affect me in a negative way. I’ve been put down for having a small butt, or what they would call it, no butt. I’ve been put down for not having the biggest boobs (Itty Bitty Titty Committee). I’ve been told I needed to eat a hamburger and gain some weight before the wind comes and blows me away. I’ve heard all of those negative comments, and I want to address that skinny shaming does exist and it’s not okay. It’s hard enough for people to accept how they look like on their own, but constantly having people point it out and make jokes about it, is rude and demeaning. Anyways, as I type this blog post, I can say that I have accepted the way my body looks. I’ve accepted it to a point where my family and I can now make jokes about it and not have it affect me in such a negative way. I’ve accepted in its entirety. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try and improve it. I want to tone up and add on some weight, but I want to do it for me. Because I deserve to take care of my body, and hell, I want to look good too. But everything that I do, I do it for me.

LOVE YOUR BODY.

Who I am

Although a lot of my insecurities are external, my biggest insecurity deals with who I am on the inside. Growing up, I’ve never been the best at making friends. I wasn’t the prettiest, smartest, or funniest person in class. No matter how hard I tried, and how nice I acted, no one really gave me their time of day. This lead to years and years of trying to change who I was. I decided that if I looked, dressed, and acted like everyone else, then I’d be liked. Then boys would talk to me. Then I’ll be popular. The funny thing is, no matter how I tried at this too, it never worked. There was not a single thing I could do to make myself likable. This then lead to months and months of frustration and feeling worthless all the time. I felt miserable with who I was as a person because I didn’t know who I was anymore. I couldn’t recognize myself because I spent so much time trying to change who I really am. Ever since starting Kathlyn’s Korner, I’ve learned something important about myself. I’ve learned that I have a lot to say, and by staying silent, I’m only hurting myself from seeing the change I can create in this world. I want to make a difference and this blog has helped me find my voice. I don’t want to be silence about the injustices in the world. I don’t want to conform. I don’t want to not speak up because I’m afraid of the backlash I might get. I don’t want to be that little girl in middle school anymore who just let people walk all over her. I don’t want to be that freshman in high school anymore who distanced herself from her true passions so she could be liked in the eyes of others. I am going to be ME. I am going to read and talk about my love for books. I am going to spread awareness about animal cruelty. I am going to dance around to good music without a self conscious thought running through my mind. I am going to wear whatever the hell I feel beautiful in. I am going to work hard for what I want. I am going to surround myself with people who love and support me. I am going to be happy and live a fulfilled life. These aren’t wants, nor are they needs. They are what is going to happen because I will make it happen. I’m being me. I’m being who I’ve always wanted to be and I only hope that you are doing the same.

BE YOURSELF.

I’m not perfect. I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, or the smartest, or the funniest. And I don’t want to be. Posting this is not only a step for me and my journey. Maybe this meant something  to you. Maybe it’s time for you to accept your flaws, love your body, and be yourself. Don’t let your insecurities hold you back from living to your fullest potential. Don’t let them stop you from chasing your dreams and being the person you are meant to be. After reading this, if there’s one thing that I want you to walk away with is this:

Everyone has insecurities. Those models you see in fashion shows and magazines have self doubt. The people you see in school, who you think have everything, have days of uncertainty. You’re not the only one. I, and everyone on this planet, share this feeling. You are beautiful and you are wonderful.

Thank you for reading!

 

xo, kathlyn